The Case of the Ex

So you're single.

You meet this great person who seems to be more than everything you ever wanted.

You guys start dating. It gets serious.

And then you break up.

Whatever the reason for the break up, it's devastating. You end up in that weird dark space where indecisiveness, doubt, and frustration linger. Even hope in its tiniest state is present at the thought that there may be a chance of getting back together, or that you will find someone just like them or better. 

So how do you get over this person?

Younger, immature minds will tell you to get over someone, you need to get under another. 

I'm not going to do that.

A serious breakup is complete raw, unfiltered emotion. Anything that needs to heal takes time to do so. That's what's wrong with us today. Here's what I think should be done when dealing with a hurtful breakup.

Forgive. I stress a lot about forgiveness because it's one of the hardest things to do. Usually when a break up occurs, there is resentment and apologies that were never said or heard. When I say forgive, I mean it in two ways. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for mistakes you made in the relationship. For things you said and didn't say. For actions, decisions, for all the unnecessary hurt you caused, etc. You don't want to carry past behavior into a new relationship with someone else. This is the time for reflection. The second (and obvious) forgiveness is to forgive what has been done to you by someone else. Sometimes you have to accept an apology that was never given. It's for your benefit so that you can move on and not hold anything in your heart. In order to move on, you have to let go.

Allow yourself time to Heal. Too often, we look for the next person to bury our feelings with in the hopes that the hurt will go away. This society is focused on the notion of "on to the next" with no respect or regard for the feelings that are hurt. This causes personal issues within. You begin to put the past person's sins onto the next one's shoulders. Trust becomes a major glitch because the doubt you had when the other hurt you becomes displaced onto the new one you are trying to build with. If you truly cared about your ex when you were together, then you know that jumping into bed with another after a breakup does nothing but distract you from the pain that refuses to go away until you address it. The trust that is broken needs to be addressed. The insecurities that come from the break up need to be addressed. The hurt and the pain as well. You need to learn who you are again without that person. Only time to yourself for healing can help with all of this.

Get Over It. After you've grown through the forgiveness stage and allowed yourself to heal, it's time to move on. I remember feeling guilty about moving on after a bad break up. It makes little to no sense to me now, because the cause of the break up was something that had been done to me. So why did I feel like I was abandoning ship when the ship had already sunk? Never allow anyone to make you feel guilty for trying to leave when they've wronged you. It's time to go out and see what else is out there. Yes, you will feel lonely, but that's not a reason to give in before you get what you deserve. It's okay to move on and be better and do better. Allow your past to remain there. 

Now if the two of you both grow and mature and learn from your mistakes, there may be a door to rekindle what was lost. These tend to be the best relationships because I feel as though they were made for each other, but they both just needed to grow up a bit. 

This advice may not apply to every situation, but I believe it applies to most. What's your thoughts?